The Never-Ending Dilemna

Most of you know I've struggled a lot with the working FT/working PT/not working "decision." In quotes because financially, it feels more like a path (full time work to pay bills and occassionally bust a move down to Florida for a week once a year) than a decision (driving a car that works, with gas in it/not driving a car that doesn't work, without gas in it. Health insurance covering doctor visits vs. self-diagnosis or delivering this baby at home ourselves. The little things.)

I have to say, it's gotten easier. Much. Having a little man vs. a tiny baby has made me much more comfortable with the balance. I can spend time at work, and still come home to someone who remembers me, knows I'll come home each night, knows I'll tuck him in and be here to get him up (most days, at least). Someone I have jokes with, who can even start to now tell me about his day.

In short, we've got a routine, an understanding. A kick ass nanny and a daddy who's home at 4 daily. And we're all used to it. He's growing, he's talking, he's smart, but most important, he's happy. This makes me happy and more confident in my "decision."

Okay, so I'm way paraphrasing what has been two years of personal growth and back and forth deliberation ... but basically, the point is, I got it, I'm good, finally.

Now with impending you-know-who on the way (don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's the aby-girl be in the elly-be), I'm of course wrassling with it all again. And let me be clear - nothing will change. Fear and doubt are rearing their ugly heads again, but I know I will continue working full time because that's our deal and we've got it going, and we need it, and blah blah. We both work, that's our family. We'll both keep working.

But set as I am, I continue to be fascinated by the dialogue - elevated to oh-so-many new levels through the blogosphere. Today I read this post from a stay at home mom about the "dirty secret" that it's great to be home. IS this a secret?

I certainly know it's not easy to stay at home. I know it's hard. But I also have never imagined it sucked either. I think it's a gift to raise your kids, to be there for everything for them. To plan your own day (okay around naptimes), keep your home, to run errands, to be the true hub of your family.

Sure, maybe stay at home moms would trade a bad day, or several weeks from an especially noxious part of toddlerhood. Certainly there's the drag parts of it. But working moms would also trade an especially long biz trip, or missing a doctor appt to have your husband or sitter go instead. There are definitely drag parts of that, too.

Who IS the one idiot working mom who ruined it for the rest of us and apparently at some point back in the 80s said, "I couldn't stay home and eat bon bons and be lazy and watch soaps all day, I'd go cuh-RAZY!" Because duh, that is clearly and absolutely not what any sane person would assume stay at home moms do. I don't know anyone who's a working mom, who says that shit and believes it.

Working moms I know all have sisters or friends who stay home and we learn from that, and so we know it's not about being bored, its more about being constantly busy. Crazy busy.

Isn't this obvious? Why do we ALWAYS feel the need to keep challenging, comparing and badgering each other? Working at a workplace has challenges. Working with kids at your home all day, ditto. Who the hell knows if they're even steven? One day or week or year might be better/worse at the one or other. Why do we keep doing this dance?

I know this is a way cliched topic ... the Mommy Wars and all ... but I can't believe that we cannot accept there are different options. Pros and cons to working FT, working PT, working out of your home for an employer or for yourself, or working at home raising your kids/taking care of your home.

And that, oh just perhaps, each of this situations might possibly fit one human better than another. And that MAYBE IT EVEN CHANGES AS YOU GET OLDER/HAVE MORE KIDS/MAKE MORE OR LESS MONEY/OTHER LIFE CHANGES OCCUR. That one size really truly does not fit all.

That is why I was pretty tickled reading how sane most (most) of the responses to her post were. Most talked about choices, and what's right for one might not be right for all. But yes, some were fairly obnoxious and judgmental - on both sides - and so I enjoyed even more the Sundry Mourning response to the whole thing. Because really, it's just not that simple. It's just really not.

And incidentally, I apologize if I have offended anyone by using "work" to refer to my situation which is working at an employer, outside my home. It's just for brevity. It is not remotely referring to the fact that any of the other situations are not LOTS AND LOTS OF WORK and in some cases, more hours a week than I put in.

And I am ONLY even making this annoying clarification because I was sort of, err, corrected by a neighbor we met tonight on this topic. Wet met him on a walk, he had kids, we had kid/belly ... started chatting, oh, when did you move in, welcome, when are you due, where did you move from ... I mentioned yep, it's been crazy with the move, a toddler, being pregnant and working full time ... he promptly got a look, I swear to you, he straightend up taller, and then he said, "Well my wife H. works full time too (jerks thumb back toward house) right here, being a 24/7 mom to these two kids. That is a FULL TIME JOB."

I could go a lot of places with that, but it's late and I don't want to belabor this further. So I'll just end this post here. Much like we ended our brief conversation shortly thereafter, funny ...