The Never-Ending Dilemna

Most of you know I've struggled a lot with the working FT/working PT/not working "decision." In quotes because financially, it feels more like a path (full time work to pay bills and occassionally bust a move down to Florida for a week once a year) than a decision (driving a car that works, with gas in it/not driving a car that doesn't work, without gas in it. Health insurance covering doctor visits vs. self-diagnosis or delivering this baby at home ourselves. The little things.)

I have to say, it's gotten easier. Much. Having a little man vs. a tiny baby has made me much more comfortable with the balance. I can spend time at work, and still come home to someone who remembers me, knows I'll come home each night, knows I'll tuck him in and be here to get him up (most days, at least). Someone I have jokes with, who can even start to now tell me about his day.

In short, we've got a routine, an understanding. A kick ass nanny and a daddy who's home at 4 daily. And we're all used to it. He's growing, he's talking, he's smart, but most important, he's happy. This makes me happy and more confident in my "decision."

Okay, so I'm way paraphrasing what has been two years of personal growth and back and forth deliberation ... but basically, the point is, I got it, I'm good, finally.

Now with impending you-know-who on the way (don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's the aby-girl be in the elly-be), I'm of course wrassling with it all again. And let me be clear - nothing will change. Fear and doubt are rearing their ugly heads again, but I know I will continue working full time because that's our deal and we've got it going, and we need it, and blah blah. We both work, that's our family. We'll both keep working.

But set as I am, I continue to be fascinated by the dialogue - elevated to oh-so-many new levels through the blogosphere. Today I read this post from a stay at home mom about the "dirty secret" that it's great to be home. IS this a secret?

I certainly know it's not easy to stay at home. I know it's hard. But I also have never imagined it sucked either. I think it's a gift to raise your kids, to be there for everything for them. To plan your own day (okay around naptimes), keep your home, to run errands, to be the true hub of your family.

Sure, maybe stay at home moms would trade a bad day, or several weeks from an especially noxious part of toddlerhood. Certainly there's the drag parts of it. But working moms would also trade an especially long biz trip, or missing a doctor appt to have your husband or sitter go instead. There are definitely drag parts of that, too.

Who IS the one idiot working mom who ruined it for the rest of us and apparently at some point back in the 80s said, "I couldn't stay home and eat bon bons and be lazy and watch soaps all day, I'd go cuh-RAZY!" Because duh, that is clearly and absolutely not what any sane person would assume stay at home moms do. I don't know anyone who's a working mom, who says that shit and believes it.

Working moms I know all have sisters or friends who stay home and we learn from that, and so we know it's not about being bored, its more about being constantly busy. Crazy busy.

Isn't this obvious? Why do we ALWAYS feel the need to keep challenging, comparing and badgering each other? Working at a workplace has challenges. Working with kids at your home all day, ditto. Who the hell knows if they're even steven? One day or week or year might be better/worse at the one or other. Why do we keep doing this dance?

I know this is a way cliched topic ... the Mommy Wars and all ... but I can't believe that we cannot accept there are different options. Pros and cons to working FT, working PT, working out of your home for an employer or for yourself, or working at home raising your kids/taking care of your home.

And that, oh just perhaps, each of this situations might possibly fit one human better than another. And that MAYBE IT EVEN CHANGES AS YOU GET OLDER/HAVE MORE KIDS/MAKE MORE OR LESS MONEY/OTHER LIFE CHANGES OCCUR. That one size really truly does not fit all.

That is why I was pretty tickled reading how sane most (most) of the responses to her post were. Most talked about choices, and what's right for one might not be right for all. But yes, some were fairly obnoxious and judgmental - on both sides - and so I enjoyed even more the Sundry Mourning response to the whole thing. Because really, it's just not that simple. It's just really not.

And incidentally, I apologize if I have offended anyone by using "work" to refer to my situation which is working at an employer, outside my home. It's just for brevity. It is not remotely referring to the fact that any of the other situations are not LOTS AND LOTS OF WORK and in some cases, more hours a week than I put in.

And I am ONLY even making this annoying clarification because I was sort of, err, corrected by a neighbor we met tonight on this topic. Wet met him on a walk, he had kids, we had kid/belly ... started chatting, oh, when did you move in, welcome, when are you due, where did you move from ... I mentioned yep, it's been crazy with the move, a toddler, being pregnant and working full time ... he promptly got a look, I swear to you, he straightend up taller, and then he said, "Well my wife H. works full time too (jerks thumb back toward house) right here, being a 24/7 mom to these two kids. That is a FULL TIME JOB."

I could go a lot of places with that, but it's late and I don't want to belabor this further. So I'll just end this post here. Much like we ended our brief conversation shortly thereafter, funny ...

Travelin' Woman

Greetings from Philly! I'll be here all week, folks, catch the midnight show. Feels like I've already performed it - twice. Why is it no matter how smoothly business travel goes, it just leaves you ... utterly exhausted? Oh duh, it's the bags, the lines, the shoes off (probably a killer fatigue/foot disease spread to me on Lambert's vinyl floor this morning) and the take out food (fries, chips, lattes, oh my!)

My phone conversations with Matthew really help me get through the week now, though. When he was a baby and I traveled, I couldn't tell him night night, send him kisses, and have his Dada relay that he's kissing the phone in response. I couldn't hear him tucking his babies in, or yelling "MAMA!" when Mike first puts me on speaker. Or have him describe that he ate "orangies" for lunch, or what he's doing right now - "gold car, dwive!"- which of course means driving home from the store in Daddy's gold Pathfinder.

I'm sure it's not exactly easy on him when I'm gone. But he's having a great spring break week with his daddy, so this was fortuitous timing. And now that we can "talk" on the phone, I have direct evidence that he's happy, he's okay, every day and every night, until I'm back to make sure of that again myself.

P.S.

His hernia surgery is postponed until March 14. My business trip last week bumped it ... then never even materialized.

That probably gives you a sense of what it's been like.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Time to Make the Donuts

That's how I've felt and that's why I haven't posted. For two weeks or more I've been in to work 1 1/2 early, staying 2 hours late - and sometimes bringing more home for a night shift. It's productive, and appreciated by my team, and lots of great opportunities and responsibilities right now. Just, ya know, a sh--load of work. And no so much on the balance.

I can't believe it's been three weeks since I've posted. In that time we've attended Danny's first birthday party and celebrated our annivesary. And Matthew spent the weekend with Aunt Kim and Uncle Mark. AND we had dinnner with Don, Rosanne and Morgan (my brother's family), which involved trying a new restaurant - one of those cool Japanese places where they cook it right in front of you.

So it's been busy, and I can't even get into it all here. But suffice to say blogging has been lower down on the list past showing up for work, sleeping, feeding Matthew and washing my hair - not always in that order. And sometimes not that hair part.

Erin commented on her blog how hard it is to jump in once you've not posted and there's mountains to talk about. I agree. So I will pull the plug on this post - Hey, I posted! And just add the link to Danny's bday pictures once its available. On that note: At 122 photos long, it's voluminous. But you gotta at least see the two cousins in their PJ's. Our sweet little angel boys.

In the photos are Fernanda, my sis in law and Danny's mom, Scott her husband and Mike's brother, Fernanda's parents Maria Lucia and Fernando - up from Brazil no less - and to that end, a number of Brazilian friends they have in Chicago. I don't think I snapped one of Carole, Fernanda's sister. They are Matthew's third family and such a blessing in our lives since Fe and Scott got married. If it weren't for that whole, on another continent across two oceans thing, we'd love to see them more often.

Grandpa Bob and Grandma Dale, who flew in from Colorado for Danny's day and our visit. Due to travel schedules, we only got to cross paths briefly, so we're really looking forward to big fun over Turkey Day out at their place.

And if you can't wade through the pics - and I really don't blame you - these are more for the two mommies than anyone - here's just ONE capturing the spirit of that cousins weekend: Danny's in love with Matthew, and up for a friendly cousins cuddle (or wrestling match?) anytime. And Matthew is studiously, like, soooo over caring.

Just One More Thing to Say on This Topic

I just would like to say I TOTALLY LOVE AND AGREE WITH THIS GUY.

My two five day vacations (which are now a distant memory) simply weren't enough to recharge batteries. See, it's not me being spoiled to want long vacations. It's SCIENCE.

What I wouldn't give for a week - one week - off to just ... not DO.

Or to live in France. Cranky lazy Parisians may have it right after all.

Marathons Suck

I knew there's a reason I'd always fantasized about training for a marathon (or a 1/2) and never made one inch of attempt toward it. Because they SUCK.

Work right now is a marathon. And I'm in the 21st mile or whatever the hell feels like you're near the end and about to die but DAMMIT you're not done. And you're out of that squishy stuff and your shoes hurt and the guy running next to you smells and keeps cutting you off and Kramer throws hot coffee on you instead of water and ...

Anyway. I will survive. I will survive.

Wish me good "final approval and to the printer next week!" vibes. And I'll be having the happiest freaking Labor Day ever.

These Can't Be Real Laws

Imagine my horror, when reviewing some of the day's pharma news for work, when I ran across this little gem. An article about the "controversy" of public breastfeeding as ... indecent exposure?

Now. Most people reading this know I didn't breastfeed. And you may or may have not breastfed, or even had a baby. And either way, certainly you, and me (in imaginary if-Aimee-did-breastfeed-world) may or may not care to do so in public.

But little would I have guessed that had we CHOSEN or NEEDED to feed our baby, say, on an airplane ride, we might be breaking the law depending on what state we're flying over.

Out of concern that not enough women are breast-feeding, a growing number of states are passing protective laws and policies. Today 38 states give women the explicit right to nurse in public, and 23 states exempt it from public-indecency laws.

How generous of 23 states to exempt breastfeeding mothers from Paris Hilton-esque stints in the clink! How supportive! How woman-centric! How 2007!

What kind of asinine trend is this that you practically can't buy a pregnancy test without reading a paragraph about the benefits of breastfeeding, but as a country, wee don't support it.

I don't want to say it's shoved down our throats, because that implies it's a bad thing. It IS a great thing. My personal opinion? New moms should probably try it or at least do some reading or attend a class and consider it. In any event, new moms who want to breastfeed should be supported in every way to make it workable for them.

And yet the stats don't support that.

Twelve states have laws addressing women's right to use a pump to express milk at work. And the governors of New Mexico and Oregon recently signed similar legislation, which gives moms (unpaid) lactation breaks and a clean and private area to pump (not just a bathroom stall).

WOW. New moms in TWELVE whole states returning to work after a scant six weeks home with their baby (can't even go there in this post) who have committed the extra time and energy to pump at work get rewarded with ... the privilege of being allowed to pump in a toilet without getting fired.

This may seem like an odd post. I didn't breastfeed so this didn't affect me. And I don't know anyone personally who's had what I presume is the horrible "I'm gonna go hang out in the pee pee place and prepare my baby's food" experience.

But I do have a good friend who had to nervously inquire whether she'd for sure have an office she could pump in. I do have a sister-in-law who had to figure out, while in an all-day business meeting, whether it's worse to discreetly excuse herself for 15 minutes and have the Men in the room actually suspect she had to pump (that she has BOOBS and a BABY that EATS) or explode all over the conference table.

I'm posting because I'm frustrated that it's not supported like it should be - systemically, fully, and as a respected part of raising healthy kids. And I'm posting because the offshoot that affects working moms - lactation rooms, and bosses and co-workers understanding about pumping breaks - shouldn't feel like a pipe dream you can only get if you work at left leaning, cutting edge companies like Google, or one of the top five on the Working Mother list.

I'm also posting because this whole situation seems so silly ... I just had to figure out what you all thought too ... ?

What's Wrong with this Picture? At Work, Vol. 1

Me: Getting coffee. It's early. I'm grumpy. I'm maybe PMSing. In any event, neeeeeeed coffee and 10 minutes of quiet Internet time before anyone talks to me.

Intern-type person: Making copies. Fussing around with machine impatiently. Sighing.

Me; Continue getting coffee.

Intern-type person: "Do you know what 'document feeder jam' means?"

Me: (In super patient, sure I'm glad to help mode). Lift document feeder. "It means there's paper stuck in there."

Intern-type person: Fusses around. Sighs. "I can't see any paper..."

Me: Back to that coffee!

Intern-type person: Banging around with other drawers in hopes document feeder jam really means lifts lots of flaps and you win!

Me: Wrapping up the coffee and about to escape before, God help us all, I might be asked to help again.

Intern-type person: "Well, I'm just gonna use the other machine." Walking off. Away from now fully jammed and likely very pissed off copier.

Me: Considering whether to chase her down and remind her that none of US want to talk down the angry machine. Remember I'm too sore from yoga to chase anyone and then certainly to do anything with them once caught. Decide to let her live to jam another machine.

Happy freaking Tuesday, world.

Who's Got Two Minutes

Today, not me, but I'm posting anyway. It has been hectic. To say the least. The last two weeks I've gone from Chicago to Memphis to being buried in cheap cake and pony keg run-off at my son's official first birthday party. In between I have been sick, and coughed up more bright green mucous than you'd expect from someone who is not radioactive, or Slimer. And, I have been STRESSSSSED at work.

I am dying to go on about that last one. But taking a page from other bloggers, I will refrain from posting about all THAT. Sufficed to say I might be developing an ulcer made of the words "benefits annual enrollment communications."

In the last few weeks, so much as happened.

My friend Karen's sweet baby girls, Abby and Mara, have arrived!


Abigail (Abby) Sara
6 pounds, 5 ounces
19 inches
Born April 25, 2007 at 9:47 p.m.

Mara Jordan
6 pounds, 2 ounces
19 inches
Born April 25, 2007 at 9:56 p.m.

Unfortunately they chose the week before this mini-plague hit me, so the minute I stop talking like the Swamp Thing, Matthew and I get to go meet them, and hang out with their awesome big brother Sam.

Two weekends ago, I met Shawn and Eileen's sweet little boy, baby Owen, up in Chicago.


Owen's still in the NICU since being born prematurely the week before Easter. He's doing very well and we hope he can go home in the next 1 to 2 weeks. I am thinking his Mommy will be pretty darn glad when he's finally home where he belongs and she can keep an eye on him ... make sure he's going to bed on time, brushing his teeth, cleaning his ears, you know, that sort of thing.

I hear my significant other powering off, so I shall do the same.

This took 12 minutes. Lucky you reading this, to think you almost only got 1/6 of my fascinating thoughts.

I HAVE PUBLISHED A PHOTO!

This is me and my number one boy. Our photo, together, which I have just published. Myself. He did NOT even help me.

I am travelling on business. I miss him. I am sustaining myself watching video clips from two months ago ... and blogging about him. Love you, little pal.